Baby, I'm bad news…

I still feel a bit conflicted inside, but overall have woken with more feelings of promise than I’ve felt in a long time. My house is clean, mostly, which it hasn’t been in awhile. I hung out with good friends last night, which I didn’t do all week, while I was feeling depressed. I’ve lost roughly 6 lbs since going back on Weight Watchers online right before Christmas. I am having dinner tonight with my mom, just her and me. And today feels full of promise.

I’ve recently fallen in love with Pandora, and have spent the morning listening to Rancid Radio, which reminds me of being young and full of anger and adventure. It’s a good feeling.

I’ve been on the new medication since Friday, and while it’s obviously too soon to notice a physiological difference, especially on the low starting dose I’m taking for the first ten days, I do feel hopeful that things are about to get easier, or at least more… even. And restrained. If I could pray for anything in my life it would be restraint.

For some reason I have been having a tough time posting my goals for 2011. Mainly because I didn’t feel like I had enough. Last year I had 27, but I didn’t really accomplish all of those, so maybe less is more. Either way, here is the list of goals for 2011.

Start Grad School in the fall.
Go to six live shows this year.
Save $100/month (or $50/paycheck) in savings.
Cook at least two meals a week.
Run the Discovery Bay half marathon in June.
Visit my grandma in California.
Buy at least one music album a month this year.
Master one new recipe a month.
Pay off my TCC student loan.
Lose my final eleven lbs.
Build an upholstered head board for my bed.

I’ve been meaning to get this list posted all week, but I’ve been going through a somewhat tough time lately. Tough enough that I finally swallowed my pride and started researching some medication options for managing my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, and was started on Luvox, which is an SSRI used to manage OCD. Hopefully I will start seeing a difference here shortly. Things have gotten so bad that all I want to do anymore is sleep. I haven’t had the energy to post anything.

Anyway, here is my baby update. I’m watching the Seahawks/Saints game with a friend. I really didn’t expect much going in, so I am quite pleasantly surprised to see a score of 34-30, Seattle, with roughly five minutes left in the game. I really hope my boys win this one, if only to show all those football gurus a thing or two.

Best sign of the day: “Sea Dat? We Dat!” I love this.

1. Paint pottery in Olympia for my apartment.
2. Get eyes checked and get NEW GLASSES!
3. Reorganize storage in my apartment for maximum efficiency.  I did this, but I feel like I need to do it again.  I have too much stuff.
4. Reconnect with local old friends.   Tally for the year: two really good friendships with some older friends, Phedre and Jackie.  Very worthwhile.
5. Dallas in February! FAIL.
6. Take more weekend mini trips.
7. Lose 24 more pounds.  I still need to lose about six lbs.  But I’m thinking I’d like to make it 11 instead.
8. Take yoga or toning class for Hawaii. Never really got moving on this one.
9. Buy a cute bikini!
10. Hawaii 2010!! FAIL #2.
11. Begin plans for Iceland 2011.  Still up in the air.  I may table this one.
12. Sew at least one apron and some curtains for my room.
13. Learn to crochet.
14. Be more “Mad Men”.
15. Go camping.
16. Get a new passport.
17. Find a sofa that fits my style.
18. Frame Weezer’s print.
19. Find a classy, inexpensive headboard.
20. Buy one piece of original art.
21. Start searching for new cars!!!
22. Journal monthly, at least.
23. Take more pictures.
24. Become a regular at my neighborhood businesses.
25. Pay off one student loan. FAIL #3.
26. Shop vintage more. I don’t feel I shopped vintage enough.  Just twice.
27. Sign up for Happy Mail.

Reviewing last years goals has me thinking more about the direction I want to take for this next year.  I think my next goals will be much more concrete and easily measured.  I am a little disappointed with the way my motivation slowed, but I’ve had a lot going on, and in fairness, it was a long list.  I am proud of the big things I did accomplish, though, such as purchasing a new car.  Love.

And really? Over half my goals accomplished? I am impressed!

When I was growing up in California I went to a small private Christian school. When I say small, I mean it. At the time of my 8th grade graduation (1996) I was a member of the largest graduating class to date. I believe it was roughly 32ish? When I was in Kindergarten and starting out at said school, the 8th grade class had 5, 4 boys and 1 girl.

Anyway. My point is that when you go to school with such a small number of people, many of whom you’ve known since you were 4 years old, it doesn’t matter if you haven’t seen them since you were 13. There is a connection. There is a bond. In a class of 32 it’s hard to not have a crush on… well, pretty much every boy at one point or another during a nine year period. And the advent of facebook is awesome, because it means that you can reconnect with a lot of those people.

I found out tonight that one of those boys, one I’d known since Kindergarten, passed away four years ago. He’s the second death I’ve heard of. Second. Out of roughly 32. That’s insane. And sad. And I find myself mourning someone I haven’t spoken to since 1996. I saw him once, briefly, at the mall. I was a freshman in highschool, visiting from Gig Harbor, hanging out with old friends. We saw him at the arcade. I thought he was cute. And now he’s dead. For four years. It’s crazy.

Well guys. I have been thinking, and you know what? I have been really depressed lately! I’m sure this isn’t a really big shock, actually, to anyone who knows what I’ve been going through the last couple of months. I’ve actually been depressed enough to contemplate meeting with my PCP and discussing anti-depressant therapy. And I swore when I stopped taking them before that I would never go back! I probably won’t, to be quite frank. For me (and I only speak for me), the side effects are not worth any potential benefits.

The nice thing about feeling this way at 28 vs feeling this way at, say, 24 or 25 is the added years of experience. I am able to see old behavior patterns that are coming back, and in theory head them off. I pray for the strength to do that. And Grandma, don’t worry. I’m fine, honest.

*****

I got my nails filled today, and I had them cut them way down. I am much happier now that my fingertips can feel the keyboard, without having to worry about popping keys off.

*****

Christmas was weird. The week after Christmas was weird. Last year I had a substantial amount of time off in the days surrounding Christmas and New Years. I enjoyed that. Last year my brother was home. Last year I was in a comfortable relationship and knew where I stood. I mean, okay, I stood far away, but at least I knew where I stood. We had a cozy New Years at home, and I enjoyed that. Who knows what’s going on this year?

And I know Christmas isn’t about the presents. It’s about (for me) Jesus, and family. But you know what? My family is somewhat disjointed this year. But the clothes I got? They make me feel good. It’s a little bit more uplifting to know that I have so many warm outfits for work! And it’s motivation to get back on the Weight Watchers band wagon, even though they changed everything up on me and I resent them for it.

The new tiny running shorts I got are also motivation to start working out. Just a thought.

*****

Well guys, that’s better, right? At least it’s words, and hey! Not a youtube video in sight! Off to go watch some Ally McBeal. I don’t know why, but I’ve become somewhat addicted to watching Ally McBeal online in my free time.

I know I’ve been quiet over here, but I’ve been overwhelmed for sure. I’m done with the silence, though, and I’m trying to come up with an idea for which direction I want this blog to take. I miss being able to share the goings on in my life. Part of the problem is my present relationship status: awkward. Another problem is my complete and utter lack of a camera that works. I was borrowing Angela’s, which I still need to return, but the battery has died and I am without again.

I’ve been working on compiling a list of goals for 2011. I’m looking forward to recapping my list of goals for this last year, and discussing which goals I may want to take forward. I am not sure how many goals I want to do this next year. I’m torn between focusing on a big goal each month, or doing it like I did this last year. I just feel like there were some months last year where I didn’t really make much progress. I’ve felt stagnant for awhile. I don’t know.

How was your Christmas? Mine was truly awkward. It felt rushed, and different, and I feel lost somehow. If you had asked me last year where I thought I would be at this time, it wouldn’t be here. Brother is in Afghanistan, Grandma is sick (still) and I found myself single for the first time in two and a half years. And uncertain. Everything feels so strange.

I’m still not sure what to do with myself.

is this song right here:

Weezer linked to a version from that Sing Off show on his facebook that he felt was more poignant, but this one had me in tears.

This isn’t how I wanted things to end up. It isn’t what I wanted.

Typing this shall probably take awhile, and will require the use of spell check, because this girl just got her nails done!  It’s been over a year since I last had acrylics, and they take some getting used to.  I can’t believe that I used to type like normal with these things.  It’s been a challenging month, though, and I felt the  need to do something for myself.  They are longer than I typically prefer, though.  Oh well.  It’s still pretty and such fun to tap my fingers now!

I’ve been somewhat MIA lately.  Doing more living and less writing about living.  Isn’t that the cycle in blogging, though?  It’s kind of hard to find that happy medium.  My online presence has been somewhat nonexistent as of late.

This holiday season is shaping up to be quite different from last year’s.  It’s particularly hard because Brother will not be home.  I miss that kid something fierce!  Although I did get a phone call from him on Monday, which was awesome.  It amazes me that Brother can call me as frequently as he does, all the way from Afghanistan.  Not to mention the facebook chatting!  It’s the only thing that makes this bearable.

I have been trying to watch Sherlock Holmes all evening, but it is really boring me!

I’m gonna go to bed and read my book, i’d know you anywhere, by Laura Lippman.

But first:  I love this guy.

From here.

FOR TODAY
Outside my window… it’s dark and cold out!
I am thinking… that I am excited for tomorrow (today?)
I am thankful for… all the people who make my life worth waking up for.
From the kitchen… I made cream of pepper soup tonight, and it was soooo good!
I am wearing… a white and black nightgown from Old Navy.
I am creating… nothing.
I am going… to be working an awful lot this week!
I am reading… the November issue of Vogue.  I’m behind!
I am hoping… for good things to happen.
I am hearing… the ticking of the clock, telling me it’s time for bed!
Around the house… it is clean and smells of pumpkin spice and bell pepper soup.
One of my favorite things… weekends busy with friends!
A few plans for the rest of the week: working EVERY DAY.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing…